tw: suicide, self-harm, depression, anger, loneliness.
Let’s get something straight - introverts are NOT antisocial. We’re just not. At least not all of us. I LOVE hanging out with people, I love talking to people, and I need a certain amount of one-on-one time with people I like, or small groups. No, I don’t like parties. Too many people, dude. Look at it this way: do you hate Oreos? No, of course you don’t. Would you eat EIGHT HUNDRED ALL AT ONCE??? This is how I view socialization. Moving on…
So when you’re like me people tend to leave you well enough alone. That’s fine because for me it’s better than people swarming around me (I would get overwhelmed and die) but this year it was a little different because I was starting at Penn. New place, gotta jump right in and make friends, right? Hmmm, okay, NSO, how’s everyone making friends? Oh, they’re going to…
Parties. Well, shit.
So I ended up not having a lot of friends in the first semester. I’m sort of a kickstart-outgoing person, so I find it really easy to have conversations with new people but really difficult to walk up and say hello. Basically, I didn’t meet many people. And actually, I quickly figured out that that wasn’t going to work out too well.
I thought a lot of the first semester was pretty easy (classes) but some parts were pretty hard. Like, sometimes your roommate snores, or you get sick, or both, and a few weeks go by that you barely remember because you haven’t been sleeping. Ah, no worries, I’ll just rant to…
Oh, right. Fuck.
My best friend’s at another college this year. Well, and next year, and the one after that. I guess I’ve got some friends here but I don’t feel like the guy I talk to sometimes when we meet up with our other “friends” to watch Legend of Korra really wants to hear the tribulations of me, the freshman who… can’t sleep as much as he wants? Sorry I write in a non-linear, jumpy, jumbled fashion. Blame my brain - it’s TERRIBLE at writing essays about this stuff.
It used to be pretty bad inside my head. I guess I liked being there all my life except for about 6 months when I was in tenth grade and all my friends went POOF ‘cause I asked out the wrong girl… or something stupid; and my best friend’s dad died. I don’t remember all the causes but what happened was all the fish swam under the dock and I was just standing there in all this water and I really FUCKING HATED EVERYONE. Including myself. So I started taking it out on my wrists first and then other people and then it all just made me madder so I tried to kill myself. But the internet lies about lethal dosages (thank goodness that Wikipedia is open to editing by anyone) and, me being logical like I am, only took juuuust enough pills to do the trick without going overboard. (Dying is one thing - throwing up is QUITE another, was apparently my logic here.)
I learned some shit the next day. When everything looked bright and sunny, when I looked around and pretended I wasn’t there and then recognized that I WAS there and that, well, there was fuckin’ WORK to be done!
I help people now. It’s what I do. I have this time that I might not have had if things hadn’t gone the way they did and it doesn’t belong to just me because the universe and God played a role in saving my life. I crack a loooot of jokes - I try to make people laugh - but I also try to be there for them when they need someone to talk to. And I am there for myself too, because I know I need to love myself just as much as everyone else.
Anyway, this was like three years ago, old news, ancient history to me who’s just kinda accepted that I’ve got this whole moral code thing by now, and then I find myself in this situation, where I’m not sleeping, and I’m really stressed, and every once in awhile I lose a few minutes when my head goes red and I just start to get SO ANGRY… or upset… or something…
Need to find some friends, y’know?
And I got really lucky, because I did. I found a CREW. I ACTUALLY love these guys! Like, they are my family, like, they’re all invited over permanently. I didn’t think I would find any other people who wanted to stay up late in a little chill group and watch movies but I did because these people do that with me. And I didn’t expect to be frying so much bacon with them, or going out for burrito runs with them, or any of that. And I really thought I’d be spending my birthday alone - or on a Skype call with my girlfriend from home - but definitely not at a surprise party.
I do not know how I found these guys. It was sorta by accident. I got really, really, incredibly lucky because I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t? And I tell them they’re the best all the time but they don’t even know why…
I guess my point is that… you can go through these really tough times, build up who you are, build your personal defenses against the world. You feel like you’re safe, and to some degree you are. You might be okay. But life has a lot of shit to throw at you. Sometimes, even if you are an introvert, you need some people because there’s a lot of shit going on and you’re lonely. And that’s okay. You’re not weak for needing support. We’re not supposed to be these completely independent superhumans that don’t need or want anyone else in their life. That ain’t really the way to do life. You need a tiny little spiderweb, maybe, or a big one - depending on who you are - with all your spider friends, woven together to build something stronger.
If you want someone in your life, if you want someone to talk to for a few minutes, if you have anything you want to get off your chest… feel free to hit me up. You can find me on Facebook or my contact info is below. Nothing’s too unimportant. People’s lives don’t bore me. I promise I have time for you… whoever you are, I want to hear what you have to say. Hell, I just made you sit through THIS whole rambling tirade.
(And, in case you’re a kickstart-outgoing: Hello! Now I’ve started the conversation and you don’t have to be shy.)
Email: email@example.comText: 860-480-8558